A reason to exist?

It is wrong to hope that your last chance would come at a convenient time like those seen in movies and TV shows. Clinging on that dim ideal that things would go better is anything but foolish. I’ve always been an optimist, and though I say many times that I want to change or that day by day things will get better, the opposite happens.

I used to pride myself with thinking things over and over but the truth is all I do is think. I somehow fail to formulate solutions to the predicaments that I get myself into and more than often it becomes worse. On top of that it has always been someone who has bailed me out. Who am I kidding? No one but myself.

I’m beginning to understand why I choose to be comrades with those who have weaker constitutions. I want to dominate them in a way that locks their favor to me. I guess I’m posing as a Mr. Know-it-all. I’ve conditioned myself to the point that being that is my nature and that it justifies the way that I behave. Then again, am I being swayed by peer pressure or am I just blindly creating my stupid ideals? Am I justifying my knowledge of what I think is the right way of living? In fact, I am just shielding my pride.

At the end of the day. Im just another yahoo, wanting to be accepted into a world that I want to change yet I become a hypocrite when I force my own ideals to it.

I’ve been wanting to get this off my back for a while now so I might as well just come out with it. My bloodline ends with me. I’m destined to be with no one. My path is that of non-existence. My principle towards men should now be neutral. I should now exist not to please everyone else but to better myself and through that, show others that I’ve no interest in anything.

Being a techie is difficult though. Being inquisitive by nature is second to none. Questions will always fly out no matter what it may be. I guess I have to suppress this now. Keep my business to myself and lay-off the gags and be responsible for once.

Perhaps she’s right. I need to get out of this shell of a world that I have created just to satisfy myself. I need to let go. It’s over and done. Even in writing this entry, I’m not so sure if I can backup everything I just said. Perhaps one day I myself would go back to it and wonder. What went wrong? And I’ll probably say. You think too much.

The tiles are set

My hand seems to have all the answers in my current predicament. The question is, should I cast the odd tile out or should I wait until a better tile appears? The decisions of the past are starting to show their weary heads. Regret is rearing its face and looking at me in the eye and at the same time opportunity is calling like a rabid wolf. As decisions still continue to rock this life, thinking of just letting it go and fading into black, is the only thing keeping this existence of mine philosophical. Then again I could just be rambling like an old man.

I’m not looking back to what I have done as regret but looking back into it so that I don’t make the same mistakes anymore. I will be a rock at the base of the waterfall, only carved by water as a millenia passes by, only separated from the root when that inevitable force appears before me as I pass my own fate for the great judgement.

Rarely upset

Just when you think that everything is alright with the world, lightning strtikes you from above destroying everything that you believe is true.

It’s just disappointing and annoying when everyone has high hopes for you and you fall short of their expectations. I’m not ashamed of them but I’m ashamed of myself. I think it had to do with the fact that I was a bit cocky and so sure of myself. Another lesson learned the hard way I suppose. There are 2 other chances left and I cannot afford to blow them away.

So how the day ends is up to the feeling that has brewed throughout the day. I won’t be sleeping properly later I suppose.

Alone in the rain

It’s been raining the past week and I can’t help but get emotional about it. I always loved the rain but I really never told anyone the real reason behind it. It’s the closest thing to snow. For a guy who lives in the tropics, some find this weird but that’s who I am. I haven’t given up hope though. I still believe that I will one day go to a place where I can feel, see and touch snow. A dream of my mother’s now mine.

Its funny that despite all that has happened in the past, one could not forget nor easily sway away the time when things were different. People come and go and eventually they forget that one memory that they so cherished once upon a time. As karma makes its full circle, years later they realize how dear this memory is.

Life is really a mysterious thing…