A reason to exist?

existence

It is wrong to hope that your last chance would come at a convenient time like those seen in movies and TV shows. Clinging on that dim ideal that things would go better is anything but foolish. I’ve always been an optimist, and though I say many times that I want to change or that day by day things will get better, the opposite happens.

I used to pride myself with thinking things over and over but the truth is all I do is think. I somehow fail to formulate solutions to the predicaments that I get myself into and more than often it becomes worse. On top of that it has always been someone who has bailed me out. Who am I kidding? No one but myself.

I’m beginning to understand why I choose to be comrades with those who have weaker constitutions. I want to dominate them in a way that locks their favor to me. I guess I’m posing as a Mr. Know-it-all. I’ve conditioned myself to the point that being that is my nature and that it justifies the way that I behave. Then again, am I being swayed by peer pressure or am I just blindly creating my stupid ideals? Am I justifying my knowledge of what I think is the right way of living? In fact, I am just shielding my pride.

At the end of the day. Im just another yahoo, wanting to be accepted into a world that I want to change yet I become a hypocrite when I force my own ideals to it.

I’ve been wanting to get this off my back for a while now so I might as well just come out with it. My bloodline ends with me. I’m destined to be with no one. My path is that of non-existence. My principle towards men should now be neutral. I should now exist not to please everyone else but to better myself and through that, show others that I’ve no interest in anything.

Being a techie is difficult though. Being inquisitive by nature is second to none. Questions will always fly out no matter what it may be. I guess I have to suppress this now. Keep my business to myself and lay-off the gags and be responsible for once.

Perhaps she’s right. I need to get out of this shell of a world that I have created just to satisfy myself. I need to let go. It’s over and done. Even in writing this entry, I’m not so sure if I can backup everything I just said. Perhaps one day I myself would go back to it and wonder. What went wrong? And I’ll probably say. You think too much.

October 2, 2009 at 11:09 am Leave a comment

The tiles are set

mahjongtiles

My hand seems to have all the answers in my current predicament. The question is, should I cast the odd tile out or should I wait until a better tile appears? The decisions of the past are starting to show their weary heads. Regret is rearing its face and looking at me in the eye and at the same time opportunity is calling like a rabid wolf. As decisions still continue to rock this life, thinking of just letting it go and fading into black, is the only thing keeping this existence of mine philosophical. Then again I could just be rambling like an old man.

I’m not looking back to what I have done as regret but looking back into it so that I don’t make the same mistakes anymore. I will be a rock at the base of the waterfall, only carved by water as a millenia passes by, only separated from the root when that inevitable force appears before me as I pass my own fate for the great judgement.

May 25, 2009 at 10:14 pm Leave a comment

Rarely upset

Just when you think that everything is alright with the world, lightning strtikes you from above destroying everything that you believe is true.

It’s just disappointing and annoying when everyone has high hopes for you and you fall short of their expectations. I’m not ashamed of them but I’m ashamed of myself. I think it had to do with the fact that I was a bit cocky and so sure of myself. Another lesson learned the hard way I suppose. There are 2 other chances left and I cannot afford to blow them away.

So how the day ends is up to the feeling that has brewed throughout the day. I won’t be sleeping properly later I suppose.

April 20, 2009 at 6:55 pm 1 comment

Alone in the rain

It’s been raining the past week and I can’t help but get emotional about it. I always loved the rain but I really never told anyone the real reason behind it. It’s the closest thing to snow. For a guy who lives in the tropics, some find this weird but that’s who I am. I haven’t given up hope though. I still believe that I will one day go to a place where I can feel, see and touch snow. A dream of my mother’s now mine.

Its funny that despite all that has happened in the past, one could not forget nor easily sway away the time when things were different. People come and go and eventually they forget that one memory that they so cherished once upon a time. As karma makes its full circle, years later they realize how dear this memory is.

Life is really a mysterious thing…

April 6, 2009 at 7:21 pm Leave a comment

Years from now…

Every man would one day think of raising a family of his own. Most of these men would prefer to have sons to carry on their names for them. I’m not one of those. I consider myself to be in a group of a select few men who would rather have daughters as their firstborn. Like these men, I have a dream of seeing her grow up. I’d like to take her down to the beach as we walk together hand in hand as her mother watches us happily as she sits down on a chair in the sand reading a carefree book. I’d like to have a pet dog, maybe a Golden Retriever or a German Shepherd following us, running around and momentarily stopping to look back at us as if telling us to hurry. Such a life is one of the dreams that I have. And one day when I grow old and she turns into a beautiful princess, I’d like to walk her down that isle as I give her away to the man she loves.

My dream is far-fetched as some would say. Considering my situation right now, many see this as an impossibility. But that’s what dreams are for right? Making the impossible possible. All this time I’ve still felt that things may be possible but while I do, my chance slips away from me inch by inch, little by little. I’ve finally understood what those “where do you see yourself 5 years from now” questions truly mean.

March 19, 2009 at 6:30 pm Leave a comment

Did someone tell the Helghast?

Killzone 2 Boxart

Its hard to imagine that it’s come full circle. I was minding my own business tending to my internet cafe way back in 2005 I believe. I was searching for Sony stuff because I was bored and I stumbled across the announcement of the Playstation 3 and with it some future exclusive games. That’s when I first saw the controversial Killzone 2 rendered video. Everyone was skeptical about it even down until last minutes of the multiplayer beta. I didn’t imagine back then that I’d actually get to play this game, let alone own a Playstation 3.

Now with a couple of weeks to spare, Killzone 2 is actually coming out. I’ve played the demo and I can say that it meets up to the expectations of that video that was shown way back. Even though the demo is around 10-15 minutes, I had a blast. I kept playing it over and over. The controls are a bit giddy though. Its feels like a realistic FPS. You can actually feel how heavy the gun is and when you get hit by a bullet you loose your balance from its impact. The visuals are something to behold. Though its just tones of browns, greys and blacks, its really very well polished. I enjoy seeing the Helghast jolt back when I run down to them and hail them with bullets. The AI is pretty intelligent. Its no surprise since Insomiac, the guys who did Resistance 2, helped Guerilla in programming this AI. In a sense the Helghast move and behave sort of like the Chrimera but more aggressive. I was hiding behind cover for a while in a firefight with this one Helghast. We weren’t hitting each other that much since we had to duck a lot in the crossfire. I was surprised when he threw not one but 2 grenades to my position. I mean WTF? This feels like I’m fighting against someone online!

Anyway, this game is a must for all you PS3 owners out there. And just in case you are wondering, the Killzone 2 Demo is available only at the European PSN Store right now. Just create an EU PSN account and you are set!

February 7, 2009 at 1:32 pm Leave a comment

All is plurk in the world?

Plurk has been a place where I could express myself openly no matter how cheeky, stupid or absurd you may sound. Unfortunately it is also a place where feelings run wild and some people mistake that for something else. What I’m saying is, beneath all the sugary coatings of a touted “social network” plurk is in fact, anti-social.

I’ve lost a friend and a colleague’s trust all because we both had our egos and pride. I posted something seemingly harmless until someone posted something they shouldn’t have. I then politely asked to refrain from that topic since it was a very sensitive issue for me. Knowing where I have come from, they should have at least had the decency to think what they posted. And so this colleague contested that plurk is supposed to be a “social” site and I needed to be more open. Of course I also said that yeah its a social site but what I post is my right, and people should have empathy on what they say. To avoid further confrontation, I deleted the post, but what this woman did, she continued fanning the topic hot even though I stopped already. That’s when I decided, I took her out of my friend’s list and we haven’t talked to each other ever since.

Just today, I sort of had an indirect argument with some friends who I thought I was close friends with. In the end I was betrayed. A simple post asking advice. I was grateful for their comments but there was tension as I somehow felt that they wanted me to follow that advice and that I was wrong.

Do not post anything overly too emotional. People will make fun of you in one way or another. They may know it or not but the point is you are the one who gets hurt.

If you want to ask for some serious advice, don’t do it in plurk. Its better to post it on your facebook, multiply or any other blogs that you’ve got accounts with. I’ve noticed that most of the people only plurk about happy non-serious things. So that means your serious down-to-heart tear jerking post will be mocked at therfore adding injury to insult.

I now fully understand why someone I know deleted his plurk account. I might just go that far one of these days.

February 4, 2009 at 11:50 pm Leave a comment

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